I am sad and tired - kind of a continuous state for me these days. I realized that there is very little I have control over in my life at the moment. And that other people are stirring the pot with their own ends in mind (talk about a mixed metaphor) and there is very little I can do to change the outcome. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other - own that I haven't been at my best and keep striving to get better.
What makes it hard is that when I'm depressed I tend to think I have never been at my best and wonder exactly what it is I think I'm doing.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
wow the hospital made a mistake?! no way!! (heavy sarcasm)
Taking care of an elder means that you have the distinct honor of learning just how screwed up our medical system is. You learn how little doctors really know, how arrogant they can be, how little vision they have and what poor decisions they make. They are just lucky they don't have themselves as physicians.
But don't get me wrong - I think the geriatric specialists that I have had the chance to interact with are really sharp and have some good skills (medical and social). And in general I really like the ER staff. It's the floor docs who boggle my mind. Partly because they have the longer responsibility. ER docs respond to a crisis and they triage and move on. Your personal physician (or team) have the chance to deal with a range of problems over time and develop relationships and see the big picture and the details. The floor docs are seeing you at a time when you are very at-risk (otherwise you wouldn't be there) but it is probably not an acute crisis. They have to make the decisions which guide the direction all of your treatment goes.
It's like if you are a researcher, all your biases effect everything from your choice of subject matter, to your hypotheses, and the methods you use to research it.
But this is someone's life, and they don't have the luxury of reading a different research article or changing physicians. And if you fail to even contact the doctor who manages the on-going care and knows more about the situation than you do, how can you expect to do a halfway reasonable job?
But don't get me wrong - I think the geriatric specialists that I have had the chance to interact with are really sharp and have some good skills (medical and social). And in general I really like the ER staff. It's the floor docs who boggle my mind. Partly because they have the longer responsibility. ER docs respond to a crisis and they triage and move on. Your personal physician (or team) have the chance to deal with a range of problems over time and develop relationships and see the big picture and the details. The floor docs are seeing you at a time when you are very at-risk (otherwise you wouldn't be there) but it is probably not an acute crisis. They have to make the decisions which guide the direction all of your treatment goes.
It's like if you are a researcher, all your biases effect everything from your choice of subject matter, to your hypotheses, and the methods you use to research it.
But this is someone's life, and they don't have the luxury of reading a different research article or changing physicians. And if you fail to even contact the doctor who manages the on-going care and knows more about the situation than you do, how can you expect to do a halfway reasonable job?
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sheer Exhaustion
I am afraid that I had not counted on how physically draining this process would be to support my mother through finding a new equilibrium. I am not sure if this is due to how emotionally difficult the whole thing is or if it is due to not sleeping enough. Or the fact that life was busy before I added in a time-consuming daily piece (phone calls and being there physically to walk her through certain rountines). I continue to believe that I will not have to do the walking her through daily routines piece forever - I think it will begin to click into place for her. But the question remains, will it click into place quickly enough.
I am distrustful of putting aides in to help her re-learn it, because I think they will opt to tell her what to do (it's easier and faster) than making her think about it. But all that does is require their presence on an on-going basis. And that won't work, for many reasons. Firstly, the longer that goes on the more brain matter she loses and the harder it becomes for her to fight her way back to an optimal level of functioning. Secondly, it is expensive, and although many people have offered to send money to help, the amount of money it would require to continue would be ridiculous. Waste of money - because it is not time-limited, it is indefinite with no end in sight, the only out down that path is when she moves into assisted living.
So, since I see small progress each day, I will continue down this path.
Marji
I am distrustful of putting aides in to help her re-learn it, because I think they will opt to tell her what to do (it's easier and faster) than making her think about it. But all that does is require their presence on an on-going basis. And that won't work, for many reasons. Firstly, the longer that goes on the more brain matter she loses and the harder it becomes for her to fight her way back to an optimal level of functioning. Secondly, it is expensive, and although many people have offered to send money to help, the amount of money it would require to continue would be ridiculous. Waste of money - because it is not time-limited, it is indefinite with no end in sight, the only out down that path is when she moves into assisted living.
So, since I see small progress each day, I will continue down this path.
Marji
Saturday, April 26, 2008
April showers bring snow in May
Well, maybe that's not entirely accurate, but they are predicting snowflakes this week...
My mother came home a couple weeks ago, but with 24/7 aides... which I ended today as I decided they were turning her brain to more mush than it would be otherwise... I am finding it stressful personally, but I believe it is her only chance to have any level of recovery and be able to continue to live in her apartment. I think she will need aides for some period of every day, but I think that needs to be limited and have some clear goals. So I will be looking into something which will meet those ends, starting Monday. (and until then, all good energy sent my way is wonderful).
The whole process is very difficult and emotionally draining. But I suspect that I just need to change my mindset. Maybe meditate on it for a while... After all, this is just life, isn't it?
Just to prove my life is not totally lost, I took the boys to see Horton Hears a Who today. It was surprisingly enjoyable. It struck me as an interesting message in these times, metaphorically speaking.
My mother came home a couple weeks ago, but with 24/7 aides... which I ended today as I decided they were turning her brain to more mush than it would be otherwise... I am finding it stressful personally, but I believe it is her only chance to have any level of recovery and be able to continue to live in her apartment. I think she will need aides for some period of every day, but I think that needs to be limited and have some clear goals. So I will be looking into something which will meet those ends, starting Monday. (and until then, all good energy sent my way is wonderful).
The whole process is very difficult and emotionally draining. But I suspect that I just need to change my mindset. Maybe meditate on it for a while... After all, this is just life, isn't it?
Just to prove my life is not totally lost, I took the boys to see Horton Hears a Who today. It was surprisingly enjoyable. It struck me as an interesting message in these times, metaphorically speaking.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Eldercare continuing saga
Well, I've got a cold & nasty sore throat. I think it's that pattern of when the crisis subsides slightly the body becomes vulnerable to illness. But the sun was shining today - so I really don't want to complain. I am trying to work hard on being mindful and focusing on the lens I use to view the world.
My mother is still in the skilled nursing facility. I hope to find out what the plan is tomorrow. I wish that there were case managers for the elderly who could help to navigate the system. I know that there are case managers for the elderly, but they seem to be much more limited than would be helpful. What is needed is an advocate who knows services at a number of agencies, talks with you about them and helps arrange them and make them happen.
People say they are case managers and they ask what kind of services you are looking for, and then they give you a list of phone numbers so you can call and look into the programs. Or they say they are case managers, but they can only help you look into programs at their agency, and they are not interested in helping you if you are already receiving some services from another agency. It just doesn't make any sense to me as a consumer.
Hmmm.
My mother is still in the skilled nursing facility. I hope to find out what the plan is tomorrow. I wish that there were case managers for the elderly who could help to navigate the system. I know that there are case managers for the elderly, but they seem to be much more limited than would be helpful. What is needed is an advocate who knows services at a number of agencies, talks with you about them and helps arrange them and make them happen.
People say they are case managers and they ask what kind of services you are looking for, and then they give you a list of phone numbers so you can call and look into the programs. Or they say they are case managers, but they can only help you look into programs at their agency, and they are not interested in helping you if you are already receiving some services from another agency. It just doesn't make any sense to me as a consumer.
Hmmm.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
New Adventure
Well, I decided I needed to do something new and different - for a whole bunch of reasons - so I applied for and was accepted into the social work PhD program at MSASS. I start in the fall. This should be interesting. I am looking forward to it. I hope to keep working at my current job, if I can work that out. Wish me luck!
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